If I thought that was a complicated way to feel I had no idea what was in store for me. In the beginning of May it was this "I finally get to go home!" kind of feeling, but now it's just like, "Holy shit, I'm going home and who knows when I'll be coming back." And you start to get this feeling of despair because there's nothing you can do about it. And it's not like it was leaving the US because at that point I actually wanted to leave to be here, but now I don't want to leave yet I have to. And even under all of that feeling of not wanting to leave I keep thinking about my mom and my family and friends and finally being able to see them again.
I've changed a lot. While I was rereading my posts I picked up on two things. One, that in the beginning I didn't like beer. But now whenever I hangout with friends it's rare when I don't order a beer. Especially now that I'm soon to leave I take the time to savor it and enjoy it. Second, I was in desperate need of posters when I got here. I finally got some (many actually) and now I'm scared of taking them down. If I take them down when I get home I'll get this sad feeling because it means I'm leaving, and I believe it to be very unhealthy when one feels sad their own room.
Just something I wanted to mention as well as I was reading through my posts. At one point my host sister seemed to be very sisterly but during the nine months that I've been here, the feeling of her being sister-like has been an off and on thing. Some days (many, now that I think about it) we don't talk to each other at all. But it's not like it offends or bother either of us. Sometimes you just don't click the way you wanted to, sometimes we only click when we have these random but rare girl moments. I'm actually a lot closer to my host brother, but he's the wonderful bridge between us. Then there's Lea, my betreuerin (liaison). We two have actually gotten crazy close, ironically, like sisters. We have tons of insiders and I don't depend on her nor does she need to watch after me the entire time but somehow we suddenly started getting along so well. I tell her things that I don't even tell my host sister. But she has become one of the most important people here for me.
And now as promised in last post updates on what I have been up to.
- The school party- Well that started off with me being super nervous. There were about 60 (mostly guys) 12th graders eating salad, sausages, and drinking beer when Ana and I go there. Besides Ana I only knew two other people there so we were pretty much chilling together the entire time. I did meet some cool people in the end but since they go to another school and are in another grade I haven't seen them again. In the end the party wasn't so bad, we had loads of fun and bunch of funny stories to tell afterwards.
- Berlin- You hear so much about Berlin and it's history and in your head it becomes a big, great city. But when you actually go to it, it's so modernized that you can hardly believe that there was anything resembling what history books tell you was going on there. In the end it was a bit disappointing. It was just a big city full of tourism. I feel that for me to actually feel Berlin I'd need more than just 3 days.
- Hamburg- This was a city that I definitely liked. It has one of the most spectacular harbors which reminded me of the one in Amsterdam. Plus, I have really cool host uncle that lives there. And I kid you not, he was like one of the coolest 40 year old that I have ever met in my entire life.
I feel a little better now that I wrote about how I'm feeling but I still get that feeling of despair. There will be so many people here that I'm going to miss sooooo much. I've already been making plans with people when I'm going to see them again. Not only that, but my entire weeks are booked with last minute plans and though it's a bit hectic I will live these last days here to the fullest.
"Who would have known how bittersweet it would taste," -Adele
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